I was sweating before my name was even called. It was the dreadful appointment that every female knows is important….but would love to skip. After the nurse gave the ‘same ole’ directions, completely undress, tie in the back, yada yada……I took my shoes off, I began to worry, do I leave socks on? Take socks off? How bad do my feet smell after working all day? My feet…..wait, I’m not sure she’ll notice my feet since her face…. er eyes will be looking somewhere else. (note to self: I should smell fresher than I do after a day teaching, sure wish I had one of those cool feminine wipes in my purse)
Crud, I forgot to shave, like the last week, I forgot to shave. To many of my girlfriends, that would not mean anything, but to Tracy, it means she has already started braiding it. Can I drape this skirt thingy over my legs and she won’t noticed my fur. Back to my socks, I do leave them on, in fear of having too much “sock fuzz” in my toes and stop worrying about my gorilla legs.
It is then, that I realize how profusely my pits are sweating. Sweating? Yes! Almost dripping. I never have that problem unless I’ve just run 3 miles….which also never happens. What to do!? I quickly hop off the table, hold on top my white paper skirt, my white fanny flashing the door and grab a tissue and wipe quickly, my pits that is…….my feet might smell but my pits are now dry.
I began to wonder if I had to go to the bathroom…nerves will do that everytime. Do I? what do I do! Should I get dressed, leave the room, find the bathroom, come back and undress, put my paper skirt and shirt back on and hop up on the table in 10 seconds flat?? I decide to wait…with a full bladder. Eek! I think she did mention something about a full bladder while she was “down yonder” and making sure I was all healthy down there! These doctors are too smart!
When she finally comes into the room after what felt like 4.5 hours of sitting “necked” I am sure I have to go to the bathroom now and I am sure I am sweating again and I know by that time that my feet reek!
Let’s just get this done. My nice doc does not have the same idea. She would like to chat about Christmas, weather and kids. Sweet, nice, I like that she is so personable and wants to “connect” but if she only knew how “desperate” I was getting as the seconds passed, she would have called “it” good and said see you in 365 days! But instead, she keeps talking about “life” and then I hear her say something about coffee and how much I drink and then all I can hear, as my eyes are now floating, "keep it to a cup or two"…wha? Come again? Excuse me? My eyes had to blink thirty times. A cup or two barely gets me out the door in the morning. I didn’t tell her that I take my pot to school ……...my pot of coffee.
While she feeling around on “the girls” I really wanted her to take her time and focus, but while her fingers were moving, she asks about my son, what college he might go to and what kinds of things he is interested in….huh?
I am thankful for a great doctor, a healthy report and another year down until I am on the table, sweating, smelling and hairy! I just love being a woman and having those "female parts" Don't you?
OH, I ran out of there as fast as I could and headed to straight to Starbucks......(sshh, don't tell)